The Poisons of Perfection

One of my favorite books is “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown. I’ve probably read it at least three times and have recommended it a million times. I always warn people though…it’s not an easy read. It’s kinda like wading through mud.

What makes it so heavy? It forces us to look honestly at ourselves and embrace the parts of us that maybe we push down…avoid…don’t want to see. The imperfect parts.

Shame. Vulnerability. Fitting In.

See what I mean? It’s heavy.

Maybe it’s time for the 4^th read as perfectionism is rearing its ugly head again in my life. And I keep thinking…why can’t I get this right? How do I rid myself of this impossible goal? How do I embrace the imperfect parts of myself and practice self-acceptance?

Let’s face it…self-love is hard.

And what I’ve learned in my life is when we strive to be perfect, we are always left with disappointment and self-criticism because the truth is… we are not perfect.

Not one single person on this planet is perfect.

Knowing this should be a point of connection, right? We all have imperfections…let’s bond over that.  Let’s celebrate our imperfections.  Let’s have compassion for others’ imperfections.

But we don’t do that.

We cover them up. We pretend. We push it down.

Social media is filled with everyone’s “perfections” or video’s on how to fix your “imperfections”. And we soak it up like a sponge…feeding our addiction.

And the sad thing is when we pretend we are perfect and push down our imperfect parts- it creates all kind of havoc. Anxiety, depression, lack of confidence. And in extreme situations it can have physical consequences as well like eating disorders, loss of sleep, panic attacks and illness.

In the book, Brene speaks a lot about worthiness (or feeling good enough) … even with all our imperfect parts. She says, “worthiness doesn’t have pre-requisites.” That’s worth saying again:

Worthiness doesn’t have pre-requisites.

And what are some examples of pre-requisites?

·       I’ll be worthy when I lose that excess weight.

·       I’ll be worthy when I get more clients.

·       I’ll be worthy when he loves me.

·       I’ll be worthy when I get a promotion.

·       I’ll be worthy when I my neighbors ask me to their happy hour.

·       I’ll be worthy when I stop messing up.

·       I’ll be worthy when I get straight A’s.

·       I’ll be worthy when my kids are happy.

The list goes on and on. These perceived imperfections keep us from feeling like “enough”.

So what do we do? How do we help ourselves from the poisons of perfection?

I’m no Brene Brown…but I think she would say be vulnerable. Look at those parts of us that maybe we see as “imperfect” and love them. Because it is part of you…your story. It’s uniquely you and it’s beautiful.

I think sometimes we often feel shame around our perceived “imperfect” parts. I know when I had to go up a size in my jeans due to mid-life weight gain…I felt shame. I’m embarrassed to admit that, but it’s true. Logically, my jean size doesn’t define who I am- why do I give it so much power?

One thing Brene shares about shame is “the less we talk about it the more we have it”. And I’ve experienced this firsthand. Talking about our imperfections, fears or anxieties with someone we love and trust helps shame dissipate. When shame dissipates, self-acceptance and worthiness can grow.  

Like I said, I am no expert on this subject…I’m learning like the rest of us. But I think talking about it helps connect us more. And if you’re ready to go deep and learn from a real expert, read “The Gifts of Imperfection”. I feel like it should be a handbook for all humans.

We are all beautifully imperfect.

We are worthy of love and acceptance just as we are.

Repeat.