The Art of Letting Go

“Focus on what you can control. Let go of what you cannot”.  

A mentor said that to me many years ago. Let go of what is out of our control. Sounds simple enough be but we know it is not simple.  

Been thinking a lot about stress and anxiety lately. Sometimes it can feel like there is a lot to be anxious about in our world right now, right? But on a personal level, as I examine many of the sources of my own stress, some of it comes down to letting go.

Letting go of what I cannot control.

Letting go of what doesn’t serve me.

Letting go of worry.

Letting go of my imperfections.

Anyone who is a parent knows how hard it is to let go of your kids. I have two teenagers- 17 and 15. The urge to keep them in the bubble of our house is intense right now. Things like parties, driving, boyfriends, complete cell phone freedom…ugh. It keeps me up at night catastrophizing all the things that can happen.

But what is the alternative? Locking them in their room? At some point you have to “let go” and have faith you laid down a solid foundation for good decision making.

And we’re not talking about total and complete freedom yet but nuggets of larger and larger independence. Really that’s parenthood. The slow art of letting go while they gain more and more independence.

Remember when they were so little you had to carry them everywhere? Then walking came and they are off. What about bottle feeding, then spoon feeding? Well, soon they learned to eat on their own and they didn’t need your help anymore (other than providing the food!). First day getting on the bus for kindergarten? I thought I was going to have a heart attack…but my daughter waved at me happy as a clam as she climbed the steps of the bus. She did amazing.  It felt like I was losing control. Someone else is driving her and I won’t see her for 8 hours. But we both survived. Thrived actually.

As they approach the ripe old age of 18, we are approaching big things to letting go of…like living together! My daughter wants to go away to college…how do I let go without falling apart?

Talk about full circle. When I became a first-time mother, I struggled tremendously with losing my independence. Now I struggle with getting it back.

Letting go is hard. Not just in parenthood, but in life. We crave certainty and fear the unknown. We want to be in the driver’s seat. But sometimes that seat is taken. Can we still enjoy the ride?

I think so…in fact I know so. It just takes intentionality in understanding what we actually can control and what we can’t.

I often think back to that conversation with my mentor when I was struggling with a co-worker.

“Kelly, what is in your control?  She asked.

After some real thought I responded, “My actions. My behaviors. How I show up.”

“Right. Now what is not in your control?”

I looked at her with a blank stare.

She said, “Other people’s thoughts, reactions and behavior.”

I sighed in agreement.

“You need to let go and focus on what is within your control.”

I have referenced this conversation so often in my life. When I get caught up in uncertainty. When I worry about what people will think of me. When I’m scared.  

I ask myself, what is within my control? And I literally list it out. Then I ask, what is not in my control? And I try to mentally let go of whatever is on that list. I literally picture a bird in a cage flying free. I think the visualization helps my brain “let go” of whatever it is I’m trying to control but cannot.

Sometimes it does the trick. Other times I need to keep working on it.

Talking about my worries with a trusted partner also helps. Verbalizing fears and uncertainties and listening to another perspective. Sometimes it can literally give me the feeling of “getting it off my chest”.

And letting go of what others think or how they behave is a big one as it can be such a source of stress and anxiety. And this is one we don’t have control over. Can we influence it? Maybe. But we certainly can’t control it.

Nor should we. This is the breeding ground for learning and wisdom. Staying focused on what we can control is the stuff of resilience. Optimism. Peace.

Sounds good, right? Easier said than done, but I’m going to keep working on it.