Be the Unicorn

When my daughter was 7, I bought her a picture for her room of a unicorn outlined in silvery pink glitter that stated, “Be the unicorn in a field of horses.”  I loved that picture.

She put it in the Goodwill pile a couple of years ago. “I’ve outgrown pink glitter Mom” she said with raised eyes. I remember being sad when I saw it in the pile of giveaways.  I loved that message.

I feel like I’ve been trying to “fit in” my whole life. To not be the unicorn. Be accepted by being alike. Be like everyone else. Be part of the group.

And I see the worst of this mindset play out with my teenagers. Hanging out with so-called friends that are not really friends at all, but they are in the “it” group. Not pursing real interests like music because it’s not perceived as a “cool” thing to do. Hiding their true selves so they can meld into the commonality of the masses.

Afraid of being judged. Afraid of being an outcast.

But let’s face it…high school is tough. Very tough. And science actually backs up what they are feeling.  Our brains are wired for “herd” mentality. It goes back to the caveman days where survival depended on being part of the pack. If you were out there on your own, you were dead. This instinct plays out today. If I’m not part of the group, I’m the equivalent of “dead” in social terms. The important difference today is you get to choose the “groups” to belong in…you can choose your tribes for the most part.

But it can be hard to see when being accepted is so prevalent in high school. It’s prevalent in adulthood too.

I remember when we first moved into our house almost 14 years ago. At the time I was 38. I remember wanting desperately to “fit-in” with the mom group on the street. They had BBQ’s, happy hours, their kids played together and I wanted to be part of it. But I was working full time and had a 3 and 1 year old. The energy it took to participate in this “group” was too much.

One day I caught myself. What am I doing? I feel like I’m in high school again. Trying desperately to be in the “in” crowd and not feeling like I can be myself. I let go. I let go of trying to fit in. And it was nothing that this group did wrong, it just wasn’t me. My life didn’t fit in that puzzle at that time.

Brene Brown does an amazing job of distinguishing “fitting in” with “belonging”. When you are trying to fit it, you have to pretend. You hide parts of yourself to mesh, to blend. You are acting. And it takes so much energy to be something that’s not real, not you.  It’s mentally draining.

Belonging is when you feel no need to fake anything.  You are completely yourself. Your guard is let down and you can relax. You feel accepted exactly as you are and it actually brings you energy verses taking it. You stop judging yourself because you’re different. Your differences are safe, welcomed, celebrated.  It’s feels real, not fake. When you feel like this, you’ve found your tribe.

You can be vulnerable when you belong. Vulnerable to be honest about your fears, your mistakes, what scares you. Vulnerable about your successes and talents too…we shy away from those sometimes when trying to fit in.

Belonging isn’t necessarily about finding people just like you, it’s about finding people that love you no matter what makes you different.

I’m 51 now and I’m better at letting go of trying to “fit in” although it’s not always easy. I have to be intentional about it. And I feel so fortunate because I found my tribe in college; a group of girlfriends that I can be completely myself with. Although we don’t see each other as often as I like, they have my back. No matter what. No questions asked. No judgments.

So I guess I should give my kids a break. I was no better at their age. But I continue to encourage them to accept all of their parts- different as they might be. Find friends that accept them too. And I work to accept all their parts even though I may not understand all of them. Because I want to be part of their tribe. I want them to have a safe space to relax, be themselves and let go of pretending.

I want them to be that unicorn.