Motherhood Changes Everything

I visited my dear friend a few weeks ago that has a newborn baby girl at home. The baby was beautiful. Sleeping peacefully in her crib, swaddled up in a pink blanket. I love that newborn smell- a combination of baby powder, Desitin and sweetness.

My friend was doing well…but as any mother knows- those first few months with a newborn are brutal. No sleep, endless feedings, taking a shower is a blessing and you’re holed up in your house for days on end. It can feel like the movie Groundhog's Day.

I know I’m not making it sound pretty and if I’m being completely honest, it wasn’t for me.

I adored my beautiful baby girl from the moment I saw her and she was perfect in every way. But I remember those first few weeks at home after she was born feeling completely disoriented…and alone.

I didn’t have my first child until I was 35. And I realized something very quickly in those first few weeks of motherhood; up until the day we brought our baby home, I was existing for myself.

Now, I don’t mean that in a selfish way. I mean I was not responsible for anyone but myself. I was blissfully unaware of how easy it was for me to do whatever I needed to do whenever I needed to do it! And until you are responsible to keep another human being alive, this is a concept you have no awareness of. At least I didn’t.

Need a shower? You just take one!

Hungry? Grab something out of the fridge!

Want to go to bed early? Go right to bed!

Interested in reading the new bestseller? Run to the bookstore and you’re on chapter 2 by that night!

Feel like seeing your friends?  You go out for a drink…10 minutes after calling them!

These are all things that came so automatically to me because I had done them my whole adult life. But when you become a first-time mother…all of that freedom disappears. In those first few weeks, your existence boils down to keeping this tiny little being alive. The basic necessities like eating, showering and sleeping are squeezed in between feedings. Going to the grocery store for 30 minutes on your own is an extravagance!  

And the exhaustion…it’s hard to put into words the toll not having consistent sleep for weeks on end does to your brain. Everything just feels foggy.

Nothing really prepares you for this stark transition. And I had a real hard time adjusting. And on top of it all, I felt guilty. Shouldn’t I love being a mother?

Shouldn’t these be the happiest days of my life? The guilt was enormous. I felt like a bad mom.

Then one day I got to go out for a bit by myself. My getaway was a 20-minute trip to Wegmans.  My daughter was probably around 4 weeks old at the time. When I got home, I walked into the kitchen to check on her. She was propped up in this sling chair thing we had. The most amazing thing happened when I approached her.  She smiled. Full blown toothless smile with her eyes beaming up at me.

Now I’m fully aware it was probably gas.

But at the time, it felt so beautiful. Something clicked inside of me. This little being recognized me. We were connected. Up until that point I struggled feeling connected to this being that turned my life upside down. But all it took was that little smile and my heart melted. She had me.

And she’s had me ever since she cracked that gassy smile 16 years ago.

The whole concept of motherhood really is about giving yourself entirely for someone else. Their needs are more important than your needs and it’s one of the most selfless acts there is in my opinion.

I remember returning to work after my daughter was born and my boss who didn’t have children asked me, “What is it like…being a mother?”

The first thing that came to my mind was “I’ve never felt more vulnerable.”

She seemed surprised by my answer. “What do you mean?”

I explained how I never really worried about anything happening to me. Just didn’t really cross my mind. But as a mother, feeling like if anything were to happen to this child, I don’t know how I would survive. I don’t know how I could go on. I was truly vulnerable to the deepest kind of loss there is.

It’s probably not the answer she was expecting but being a mother is about vulnerability. The love is so deep you feel exposed.

When they are in pain, I’m in pain. When they are celebrating a victory…it’s like it happened to me I’m so excited.  And when they are sad, I am standing there in sadness with them.

Being a parent is really a universal human experience.  It’s one of the strongest connections we have.

And maybe those first few days…weeks…or even months are so tough because you are adjusting to this is new paradigm - your life isn’t entirely your own anymore.

But you come to realize maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

I always say motherhood is my greatest teacher. It has humbled me. It has strengthened me. It has helped me be the best version of myself.

And it’s also the hardest thing I have ever done.

My painful transition to motherhood was short-lived compared to a lifetime of boundless gifts it has bestowed on me. My children are my legacy.

When my babies were finicky, I used to sing to them…did I mention I sing?

Anyho, I would often sing a song called Baby Mine. It’s from the movie Dumbo, but honestly, I learned it from the movie, Beaches.  I recorded the song earlier this year. If you want to take a listen, check it out here: https://soundcloud.com/kelly-picone/baby-mine .

Here I am with my two amazing teenagers, Emma and Joey. It sure does go fast...